I'm as satisfied with this post as I can be. As my friend Andrew would say, "Just put on your Vogue costume and thats your costume for the night." Being that this is as good as it gets...
Turning the card.
Another step on the journey. I pull a new card. I place it on the altar. I see the Mother of Earth, and the life force energy rises up from the soil, through her gold and green gown and cascades out of her crown in a floral fan. Reminds me of a vegas show girl. Stirs around the saying, "In perfect love and perfect trust." Inside me is a feeling of fragrance.
Through the process I am attuned to each card as I meditate on the deck. In this card I experienced a growing fruition of doing through guidance and fulfillment in memory. She is earth, she is making, acting, sharing and giving. As I am. Advising, encouraging, empowering, others.
Today was that day. Arms around, hugs given in thanks, then smiles riding away on a bicycle from my house. I felt that I had really served my calling.
Last week I twittered about a phone call from a friend who knows me from my day office. The caller, my friend, said, "So I googled you after we talked about art... and I gotta ask, 'what are you doing at that office?" He meant the Rowan.
It was a direct and poignant question and I really thought about it. I see a path over the last few years of slowly going within. Finding myself again, digesting what I have, creating (A Hidden Place) and then emerging once more. I ask myself, why did I do this? Why did I go this direction? In the end it was about what have I really discovered. What has been matured in me about my work, my life and my calling in this time and what can I now do with it for those around me.
In and out. Up and down. Back and forward. A rush and a push and a land.
I am journaling so I'm less about what I want to write and leaning heavily on what will come out of the writing.
I've been thinking about the past a lot. I guess it's all part of the personal retrospective of where I was and where I am, querying where I could be. Measuring the distance, and the road I have traveled. I keep looking back at a few technicolor memories that have grabbed me when I'm just becoming conscious in the morning.
I'm brought back to something hidden, joyful and unspoken. I'm thinking in the morning, what ever happened to who I will call "Derek". When I moved away from San Francisco, I lost all contact with him. By that point I was also well into another relationship as well and I think on my way to Manhattan.
("Derek" if you are out there please feel free to fill in any blanks. :))
Anyway Derek was a friend of a roommate who would come up on the weekends from the East Bay. Cute, fun, kind, interesting, and nice to hang around.
Seemed that at some point -these were my party days- when we were all going out to the Stud or some other night club, that it just became to late for him to go home. Now my roommate and Derek came out with the gay boys to hit on the girls. True story. My roommate would often get saucy and sexed up. Out on a night with the boys he'd often end up with a "date". Those were the days I suppose. :)
Weeks passed and I switch around my bedroom and one of the two couches ended up in my room, the fold out. I had the larger of the two rooms available. We all went out, as was the usual thing and long story short, Derek needed a place to stay that wasn't on my roomies couch as he had found a "date for the night".
I considered myself friends with Derek. We usually spent a lot of time talking and hanging out. I didn't mind. That first night I think we stayed up until about 4 am, he on the pull out couch in my room and me in my bed. Chatting across the distance at each other in whispers.
I want to say that I was thinking we were being too loud or that the walls were too thin but at some point, after he was explaining in around about way why he left his fiance I said, "Derek. Wouldn't this be easier if you were over here?"
Blanket's rustled. The shadowed form of a man rose from the couch and climbed into my bed. It was that easy and I realized, I think, that in the back of my my mind I had been hoping for this. I'm not usually that forward or bold but in retrospect it was a nice move on my part. Ha.
Anyway, back then in my room on the Haight, above Phuket Thai, my heart was pounding. I didn't know what I was doing -honestly- or why I suddenly had put myself out on a ledge to ask this friend into the covers next to me. To know me you would think, oh please, but then I guess we all have different views of our self, sometimes different from the way the world actually sees us. *Shrugs* That's being human for you.
We were quiet. Conversation had stopped. In the silence I thought the pounding in my chest was possibly louder than our earlier whispering. At the very least I thought my little drum was shaking the bed as we lay just inches apart. It was terror and joy all rolled together, waiting to kiss, touch, sweat and roll it out.
I didn't know what to do. I felt like I'd never been with a guy before!
"Scott... can I have a massage?"
Well. *ahem* I am a healer you know...
At that moment I had this far away perspective, as if I was in bed with Derek and looking down at the same time. I can't say how long we stayed up together. It was intimate, close, touching. Me wondering how far I should go, I mean this was supposed to be the guy who had been engaged to be married and came out to visit my roommate to meet new girls, yet here I was in bed with him.
I never rush but yes, I gave a massage.
In the morning Derek asked that I not mention our long night together to anyone. I think he feared that my roommate, his best friend, might have thought he was gay. I'm sure it was a terrible and exciting feeling. I kept my word with one exception, Emilia would know for certain but I was jumping up and down on the inside and I had to tell someone.
Weeks passed and we had episodes where people asked me what was going on. I was a coy as ever. Dodging remarks, laughing off questions, pretending to be totally unaware. Between those inquiries were nights, for instance, where he held my hand in the back of the car behind eyes, smiling at me, putting his arm around me. Closeness.
What struck me this morning was how completely blind I was. When I look back at me at that time I think, "oh you dork! NO wake up! LOOK!" Not to be critical. No, more like comic relief with several *hand to forehead* moments where I just shake my I head and wonder. Monday I woke early with the image of his face on the big screen of my mind... not for want, but for memory of love and all of these little lights went off in my head.
n the pre-dawn hours I lay staring up at the painting on the wall by the bed asking, what happened to Derek?
The living spark of him is inside me, a crackling flame that dances across my mind in wonder. Maybe I don't really need to know what happened to him. Maybe it's better that he lives on as he has in my mind gorgeous and loving.
And for me, like the Mother of Earth full of love, gratitude, abundance. I feel like these these moments that have passed, and those to come are the times when I am filled up again by the grace and curiosity of another. Heated by the strength of tension, set aflame by the friction between lives colliding. Gathering light in the empty places of self...
...We become full. It is that place of fullness where I love to be, where I give best and so the memories serve me now. Supplying love in the day-to-day. Unlimited. Expansive. Unbound.
Remember, the only rules to love that we have are the ones we have arranged.
Scott K Smith Lifencompass.org
“We all have a special responsibility to help create a better world, because material progress alone is clearly insufficient for a happier human society. No one loses, and everyone gains by a shared universal sense of responsibility to this planet and all living things on it.”
-His Holiness The Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet.